Death Lessons

Posted by on Dec 21, 2017

I drove to work listening to the radio just like any other day. On came “hey oh” by red hot chilli peppers, and I began to have flashbacks of times in the past. As I looked at the trees at the side of the road, I got pulled back into the present time. At this time my mother is no longer alive.  Just like that it hit me again. She has moved on a little over 9 months ago and I have grieved lots. For the most part I am able to think about her and talk about her without feeling the pain of grief. However grief is an interesting thing. When you think you have moved through the shock, understood your loss, took time to feel it, process it, find meaning, and make peace with it, it just comes pouring through you again without warning. Grief strikes you at any time, any place, when you least expect it. People die, but grief does not die. It lingers in the background and you never know when it will step forward. 

Life is an interesting thing. Today is December 21st and Christmas is a few days away. I hear people say, you feel the loss of your loved ones even more at this time. For me, my mom was hardly ever around during Christmas as she would stay in India over the winter. So I couldn’t understand how Christmas would trigger this sadness in me as we didn’t share many Christmas memories together. As I drove along the highway I wiped my tears back only for them to begin streaming again. I couldn’t stop them. I had to acknowledge, once again, that I was not going to see my mother again. I wouldn’t hear her voice again. I wouldn’t be able to hold her again. I could no longer tell her all the things I wanted to. I could no longer laugh with her. I could no longer be comforted by just being by her side. 

I felt like an apple that is dropped by the tree. I was a part of this magnificent tree for my entire life, which nourished me and supported me and then one day I was dropped to the ground to absorb the shock. The apple when dropped rolls away but when it looks back the tree is no longer there. Only memories of the tree remain.

The tree has become the wind blowing through me yet unable to be grasped. She has become an image in my mind that dances around me. She is a thought that remains as long as I think. She has become the laugh I hear in the distance. she is the energy I feel surrounding me. She is no longer rooted in this earth, yet she remains in existence. She is no longer the tree that stood strong anchored in the Earth, she is now a part of the cosmos, with no end and no beginning. In a blink what was, no longer is. What is can not be defined. All that is left, are the feelings once felt, when all else is gone. 

The apple becomes a tree and from it come more apples. The memory of the tree stays alive, as long as its apples continue to live. The source in all continues its journey into a new form of life. Life witnesses itself. Life moves and we must flow with it. Death does not discriminate, it is the inevitable truth. Life continues to exist, and through it we experience. Nothing is ever lost or created, as the source has no beginning and no end. In our essence we are eternal. We are all created from the one source of Life.

Jas Dhillon

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